Sermon for the Fourteenth Sunday after Pentecost
Proper 18

Forgiveness – how difficult!

It would be fair enough to say that every family has had times when members of the family have times of tension, misunderstanding – times when we find family members provocative, irritating, annoying, challenging, and argumentative. 

If there was ever an example of a family that simply couldn’t get on, it was Jacob’s family.  It seems that Jacob would be dogged with family strife all his life. (Remember how he cheated his brother out of his inheritance and had to escape because his brother swore to kill him.) 

As you may recall, trouble began when Jacob made it quite plain that Joseph was his favourite son and gave him special gifts that everyone could not help noticing.  The gift that really made their blood boil was a beautiful robe.  Apparently, it was a long sleeved coat, beautifully ornamented; the kind normally worn by young princes and other important people.  You can visualise Joseph parading around in this fantastic coat.  No wonder the brothers were jealous!

Joseph was 17 when the trouble came to a head.  He must have been a terrible teenager.  Whenever there was some bad news to report, it seemed that Joseph took great delight in reporting it to Jacob and getting his brothers in trouble. 

Then Joseph has a couple of dreams in which he sees sheaves of wheat, and the sun, moon and stars bowing down before him.  That was just too much, even for his father Jacob.  We are told, “They (his brothers) hated him even more because of his dreams and because of what he said about them” (Genesis 37:8).  Three times in a few verses the word “hate” is used.  They hated him because he was a spoilt brat, who thought himself better than anyone else and was molly coddled by their father.  They hated him so much that they their minds were filled with evil – they wanted to kill him. 

Jacob’s family was a mess.  This is a story about how relationships can turn sour.  Jacob’s favouritism, Joseph’s boasting, the brothers’ jealousy, hatred, and evil planning have all led to separation, a breakdown of all brotherly love. 

This can so easily happen between family members.  It can just so easily happen between members of the family of the church.  We know too well, how human nature takes control and people end up hurt and separated.  If have known some very bitter family disputes over the years.  They were stubborn and unforgiving – even going out of the way to cause some kind of harm to the property of the other.  Even threats to shoot one another.  They were members of the same congregation – brothers and sisters in Christ through their baptism, yet this didn’t stop the bitterness and hate-filled words and actions.

While in Scotland we visited a beautiful church near the castle of Stirling. We were told that there had been a dispute between members of the congregation and so they decided to build a wall across the centre of the church.  There was the western congregation and the eastern congregation.  This dispute lasted 600 years – finally in recent times the wall has been torn down and again they are one family, worshipping and having fellowship together. 

There is the story of an old man who spent the last decades of his life sleeping in another room while his wife slept in another.  A rift had opened thirty years before over whether the husband showed enough concern when their five-year-old daughter fell ill.  Now, neither husband nor wife is willing to take the first step.  Every night he waits for her to approach him, but she never appears.  Every night she lies awake waiting for him to approach her, and he never appears.  Neither will break the cycle that began years before.  Neither will forgive. (1)

It’s so hard to make the first move to bring about forgiveness and reconciliation when bitterness and resentment have destroyed a relationship.  Look how the unforgiving attitude of Joseph’s brothers led them to despise and hate their brother.  They lost all love for him as a brother.  It was as if a solid insurmountable wall of resentment and hatred had been built between them and their younger brother.  It is ever so hard to break that down.  Forgiveness is a difficult thing, in fact, it’s unnatural, especially when we think that we have been the one wronged, and we won’t give in until the other person says he/she is sorry.  And so family members, friends, congregational members stay separated, more interested in getting even, than reconciliation. 

What are we to do as Christians to stop the cycle of separation and ill-will that can infect our families and congregation so easily?
 What can we do that will prevent what happened in Jacob’s family where resentment and bitterness led to a complete breakdown between Joseph and his brothers?

Before we go any further we need to establish the fact that forgiveness has that unnatural quality of being undeserved, unmerited, even unfair.  It goes against our basic instincts as humans. 

Wrestling with the command to “love your enemies” while being persecuted under Nazi Germany, Dietrich Bonhoeffer finally concluded that it was the “peculiar … the extraordinary, the unusual” quality of Christian love and forgiveness that set a Christian apart from the rest of the world. (2)  As much as it might go against the grain to reach out with a forgiving hand to those who have offended us; it is the very nature of Christian forgiveness that urges us to do so.

As much as we might look for loopholes or for reasons not to forgive those who hurt us, Jesus leaves no room for doubt that just as God has forgiven us for our persistent and blatant wrong against him so also we are to forgive one another even though we think the other person doesn’t deserve it.  Even though we feel deeply hurt by the words and actions of one of the family or a congregational member, and just as Joseph must have been deeply hurt by the cruel actions of his brothers when they sold him as a slave, nevertheless an essential part of our Christian faith still holds true - that just as God forgives us so we ought to forgive those who sin against us.  We say it in the Lord’s Prayer, “Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.” 

God who is hurt and upset at our offensive behaviour has taken the initiative to forgive us.  He sent his Son to become human and to die for our sake on the cross.  He allowed his Son to be crucified and to take on himself all of our sin and give us forgiveness and eternal life.  It was so unfair that someone so innocent and perfect should have to suffer like that.  But there you have it – God took the first step in making friends with his rebellious family.  We call it grace – forgiveness that is totally undeserved.  It could be suggested that we are reluctant to forgive because we don’t appreciate the great first steps that God has taken to heal our friendship with him.

Practicing this divine forgiveness in our lives means making the first move.  As hard as that might be and even though we are the ones who have been hurt, Jesus urges us to make the first moves towards reconciliation, when he says, “If your brother (or sister) sins against you, go to him (her) and show him (her) his fault” (Matthew 18:15 brackets mine). 

The story of Jacob’s family would have ended quite differently if the cycle of hatred and resentment had been broken.  If young Joseph would have said to his brothers, “I’m sorry for being so obnoxious.  Will you forgive me?”  The brothers could have gone to Joseph and asked, “We have been so jealous and unkind to you, will you forgive us?”  You see, resentment builds upon resentment.  It clings to the hurts of the past, to old wounds that never heal. 

I think that it has become clear that forgiveness is not easy, but it is something that flows from the new life that we have in Christ.  We have been made new through the water of baptism and daily renewed through the repentance and forgiveness as we turn away from the old ways of revenge, jealousy, lovelessness or whatever else drives our need to be unforgiving and unkind.

How can we heal the rifts that might occur in our families or the family of the church or among friends?  Maybe these 3 steps will be of benefit to you when your family hits a rocky patch in your relationship with one another.

Firstly, ask God for forgiveness for your lack of forgiveness. 
Ask God to forgive and change the hard heart and the pride that has grown in you. 
Ask him to show you once again what true forgiveness is, how it is undeserved, unmerited, unfair.  Feel again the joy of having the burden of your sin lifted from you and think what you can do to give that same joy to someone who is burdened with a strained relationship with you.

Secondly, rather than harbour the hurt someone has caused you, go to them and share the grace and forgiveness that God has shown to you. 
Make the first step in healing the relationship between you and that person.  It might also happen that the other person doesn’t even realise that you have been offended so help the other person see how you have been hurt with all gentleness and love.

Thirdly, Pray.  Ask God to help you.  Forgiveness doesn’t come easy.  Our desire for revenge is strong. 
Ask God to give you the courage to go to that person with words of love and forgiveness. 
Ask God to give you the wisdom and right words to say as you work together in restoring your relationship. 
Ask God to help you in those situations where your approach is not welcomed and the friendship is not restored. 
Ask God to help when reconciliation takes a hard road, an abusive husband refuses to change his ways, a gossiper can’t stop spreading stories about you, a wife who continues to cheat on her husband.  As difficult as it might seem you can forgive these people but reconciliation will take a lot longer, or may not be possible at all because of their refusal to participate n the mending your relationship.  Continue to pray that things might change.

A lot of unhappiness in our homes and in or community results from the refusal to forgive.  May God fill our homes with the brilliant light of his love so that where there is discord our first task is to find ways to make friends again. Others seeing how you have been able heal a rift may just ask, “What is it that has enabled you be friends again with someone who has hurt you so badly”.

(1) Philip Yancey, What’s so amazing about grace?  Zondervan Publishing House 1997 p 98

(2) The cost of discipleship, SCM 1959 p 136

© Pastor Vince Gerhardy
5th September, 2004
E-mail: sermonsonthenet@outlook.com 

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